Cate and I just had a very grownup glass of wine at the pub (one might even say “bar” if we waz classy like). My soul is all content and happy with such events and hopefully after a rather relaxed and bronzed version of our girl returns from Surfers in a week we will be able to fit in one or two more such outings before the year is out.
All my male friends - I love you - but there ain’t much in the world like the company of someone of the same sex. I used to think girls didn’t really make the right kinda friends. They scared me - the subtleties, the game playing, the manipulation. I guess I could analyse that for a long time, but it’s enough to say I had never met any other introvert girls before apart from my Mum and sister. Sorry to put so much pressure on you Cate, but your friendship has changed the way I see the world. I am still adjusting to the fact that I am ok with you just the way I am.
Among many other things, we discussed whether boys and girls can be friends - especially best friends. Because of my fear of girls I have always gravitated towards boys. This has never really worked out for me. I have lost more best friends in my lifetime than most other people will ever have to experience. It is a strange mixture of selfishness, naivety and fear that has landed me there.
I don’t expect sympathy, but I loved these people as my closest friends and entrusted them as such. The loss of their friendship has been an extremely deep pain in my life. If they didn’t have to leave because the love in their life was uncomfortable with my presence, then it was because they fell in love with me. I understand now why it can’t ever work, but I still trace the line of the scars and have tears at the ready.
It was unfair on those who fell in love with me but I saw it as the ultimate betrayal of my trust and friendship. I held friendship so high in my esteem and relationships seemed so second rate. Yes, I get how fucked up that is (and I have changed) but I so wanted to be liked more than loved, and then I wanted someone to love me so much they wouldn’t risk losing my friendship for anything in the world. I never notice when someone is interested in me because it just ain’t in my best interests to - it usually hurts like hell.
I think part of growing up is learning to be part of a family, whether it be you and your cat, a husband and wife, or Mum, Dad and the two and a half kids.
Is it learning to make sacrifices for others? Is that what makes a family? A unit of whatever composition that put the other person’s needs equal to their own? One thing I know for sure is that selfishness can’t ever be a part of a true and mature love. And one day a relationship always has to be more of a priority in life than friendships.
And love, well, it feels the same whether it is for a child, a mother, a lover or a friend - it is just the level of intimacy that is different. That is how I have faith it can last forever.
A lot to consider and reflect on. I feel my conclusions will be important to me over the next few years.
For sure, it is time to see if I can play nicely with girls.