So much time has passed. So much water under the bridge (and a fabulous run over one too).
The Auckland Marathon was my best race ever, and I am feeling very excited about what this means for my fitness in the future. Before running this event I had got to a level of fitness that I hadn’t thought possible for myself – and it was only just a start, as I knew I could go much further.
A strange feeling to describe, but it seems that I stepped through a door into a whole different scale of things (albeit at the bottom) and now have so much further I can go. I thought I would always plod along, half killing myself every time, bathed in masses of tears along the way. This time, however, it seemed like I was running the same race everyone else was, finding it challenging, but with a soul still intact.
To sum up, I got off my big lazy arse and actually ran every day – developing actual endurance, rather than relying mostly on hope, helped out by some sturdy genes. What a difference it made to the race, and also to my future plans.
My dreams did get a fairly robust slap in the face two weeks afterwards though, when I went in for surgery. I booked four days off work…I was off work for almost three weeks. All my arrogantly held beliefs about my impressive pain tolerance and muscular ability to bounce back from adversity were thrown unceremoniously out the window (and then stomped on, weeded out and composted).
Here we are now though, six weeks later and I can do crazy wild things like sit on a chair, toilet myself without the fear of fainting and stay at work for a whole day. Yay!
Actually, I have made amazing progress over the last two weeks and I am now running, awkwardly sitting on bike seats, and lifting things here and there with gay abandon. This means I also have to do my share of the dishes and dinner preparation – bugger…
It was a really hard time for all of us, though boyfriend drew the short straw and was given more than a fair allotment of services to perform. I am so very grateful for how he carried that load for all of us in his super-human way, on top of all he has to do every day anyway.
My acting ability was strenuously tested as I attempted to keep my stock-standard everything-is-ok face on (makeup is so fantastic for this), without expressing any of the pain or depression I was feeling. “Fuck off” was on the tip of my tongue for a large part of each day, and the first week back at work was probably one of the hardest I have experienced in a long time. As an accomplished faker, I feel I did quite well and gave all the required smiles, laughs and interested nods I was supposed to…while not remembering much apart from the inner growl that rumbled constantly through my spirit. I don’t think I actually bit anyone as far as I know.
This year, by rights, will be quite cruisy I am sure. We have lots of plans, which include ideas around not having so many plans. My word for this year is “strength”. This definitely applies to my body, but also to my mind and emotions. I don’t want any of that defiant confrontational strength – I am going for a quiet and solid strength that forms a foundation for growth. I want to continue to draw away from all the bullshit, away from all the distractions of the bright-and-shiny, away from the black hole of negativity and criticism.
So 2014, I would like space to breathe deeply, strong expansive foundations, and a light happy flexible heart.