It felt like the world out there won, so we ran away. All I needed was an off-grid cabin in the woods for four fabulous nights. I am now reborn! Well… maybe I am more lightly-humoured, which is a good start. I’ll work up to the birth part, right after I feel like I have progressed enough to actually have a glass of wine like a real person.
Since Arron died, I’ve had a hard time embracing a few key things.
The most externally obvious omission has been alcohol. The second has been social media and online stuff. The third has been not replaying horrible movies in my head of people killing themselves. I am assured all of this is understandable, even if not entirely normal. Though to aim for normal when that was unlikely to have been my starting point seems a little unreasonable.
Gently, over time though, number 3 has stopped being a thing, and I feel less like a crazy person (with the proviso we keep in mind above starting point caveat).
Number 2 is a bit forced, but I’m working on climbing back into that saddle, even if I don’t really have anything interesting to say. Since Arron was pretty much my most dedicated (read “only”) social follower, it has been an echoey and sad trek.
Number 1 still feels a bit scary. Alcohol makes me skittish at the best of times, and I just don’t know where the emotions plan to go when unleashed from their usual straitjacket. A special bottle has been bought and set aside though. I occasionally open the cupboard and look at it with a mix of puppy dog affection and cold-flush trepidation. Arron was my drinking buddy. I feel weirdly unfaithful at the thought of drinking.
So after a magnificent escape to the wild I am much healed, but still needing to line some areas of my world with cotton wool. In four months time our world completely turns on its head as the nest totally empties. From now until then I feel the need to hold things closely, soak in every hilarious moment and ease into the incredible vulnerability and shedding of layers that this year has seen.