It is a fantastic day and it is making me think maybe I have been too tired recently to be as happy as I should. I read back through my blog and wonder why I have been so down. But today my mind is light and free and I feel good. So what can I do about my fatigue so I get more days like this?
I don’t think it is about sleep so much. I am often sleeping right through at least 5 hours but wake feeling like lead. Anybody who knows me well has had to experience my “morning-ness” which is usually joyfully irritating (this is my blog so I will fantasize all I like) but for the last six months (maybe a bit more) I have felt so dead and down when I wake. In a similar way to waking with sore limbs, I seem to be waking with a stiff and aching brain (??).
Looking at the last few days which have seen me feeling quite a bit better, the only thing I can think of that I have done differently is starting a yoga dvd. The gorgeous Rodney Yee and his magnificent downward facing dog seem to be refreshing more than just my rapidly aging body. I suppose there are other changes too. The previously mentioned attention to the small stresses in my life is kicking in. I am attempting to reduce the amount of wine I drink every night too… not by much but I can feel my brain getting out of it’s fear of having to face life sober in the evenings.
Maybe all the work I have put in to this self-improvement game recently is settling in and making it’s presence felt a lot more too. There was the instant gain when the fear stopped running me manically in every direction. But now I am receiving the more solid dividends from being able to trust the process and make plans and have dreams from a more peaceful and quiet place.
Liking myself doesn’t feel anything like I thought it would. I guess I thought I would look at my body and be happy, or have more confidence when meeting people, or something. But it is actually more about trusting myself and not having other peoples opinion of me become my opinion of me. My brain is still adjusting to this and so it has been slower for my actions/behaviour to follow. I have had a lifetime of looking to other people to show me who I am and what I am worth. It is a horribly unstable and devastating way to live, which puts a helluva lot of pressure on the ones you love in life too.
My girls are happy at the moment. R has just conned me into signing her up to Club Penguin (which I hope I don’t regret) and A is having fun on her new scooter courtesy of Nanny. I am looking forward to Spring turning into Summer and making some fantastic memories for them. My goal for this year was to give them experiences they would remember for the rest of their lives. We started off with the Organic River Festival which they are still talking about. Then we had camping down at Ashhurst Domain with friends, Summer in the Park concerts, Ohope in July and a visit to the snow last month…and of course taking them to a production of Hamlet which scores me the “arty-farty-mum-of-the-year” award. Such culture dah-lings…
So I shall watch this fatigue thing with a cautious eye, but I rather fancy the idea that I am starting to bounce back into a bright and shiny new version of life. Day-to-day life certainly has been more effortless and I am smiling a lot these days.