Monday morning and I am a bit bleary and slow. But it is a nice sleepy kinda feeling. The rain is all drizzly, the sky is blah and watching the wind ripping through the tops of the trees outside our office window is making me feel cozy and protected. Only the peaceful pair of Cate and Hagfish in the office today and the mood is relaxed and sorta dreamy.
Coming to work makes me happy and I have been thinking about why recently. When am I most myself…? Going home at the end of the day takes me into a world I don’t recognise and am not at peace with… but why? Why? Why?
Sitting here at my desk everything is so tidy and manageable.
Sitting here at my desk I can give people what they are asking of me.
Sitting here at my desk my mind is occupied and busy.
Sitting here at my desk it is light and there is no night time.
How do I bring this home with me and feel I belong in my own space. How can I make it safe?
This year has seen a huge change in my relationship with my children. I have always struggled to be any kind of good Mum. But now my load is lighter and I often feel I have my head much closer to the surface. I laugh a lot more and I love a lot more.
So now that I am not so beaten up by my efforts toward parenting it is time to look at building a home for them and for me. Maybe I should start by asking them what they would like to see. I know I want some artwork. I know I want to paint the walls in cozy, protective, earthy colours. I know I want to see our lives around the shelves and feel some stability… I think it is time to finally move in.
I have always given my peace and stability to others to hold for me. It is time I grew up and put down my own roots. I am responsible for two gorgeous little people who deserve to spend life knowing there is always a safe place called home for them to come back to. I want friends to pop around unexpectedly without having to constantly apologise that they just sat on an apple core or put their bag on a pile of wet weetbix. I want to come home after work and feel myself relax and let go as I drive down the drive. I want to record my life in the trees I plant and the things I build.
I want to be able to take that feeling with me wherever I go.