Firstly, the “last hour”, that was the cause of some concern last night, was in reference to when I reach the final moments of my relationship, and wishing he would find me before it was too late, not the last hour of my life because I was about to top myself. But I must admit to being pleased that I am being watched over - so thank you.
Secondly, I realised something this morning. It is quite arrogant to wish for my love to come running up my path to find me before it is too late. Not just arrogant… but impossible. Our paths should never be the same - and my path is not the benchmark. I guess the only solution my fear could find is for him to take the same steps I have. I have been so convinced that if we are to survive then we need to understand each other. How else can he understand me if he doesn’t walk ten miles in my shoes? But part of this whole phase for me is letting him go and walk the road he is on, even though it is taking him so far away from me. So fear has struck again but I am a little wiser.
My heart likes to shut down when I can feel pain coming but I am trying awfully hard to stay open. I want to believe I will be ok if I just let go. I would hold on to him tightly forever if it would change anything. But all I have in my hands right now is my own heart and mind, and I am happy with who I am and the direction I am heading. I don’t think I can keep being seen the way he sees me - I don’t like who he sees either.