I am feeling sad tonight. I think I have been too busy and scared shitless recently to feel anything as gentle as sadness so it seems quite out of the blue.
It has been an amazing few months. I have changed in so many ways. They are real changes too - not the sort that wear off after the initial excitement. But they have been painful changes as well. Maybe the biggest ones always are. It hurts to know I have been a brat. It hurts to know I have hurt other people. It hurts to know I have lost love that was right there in front of me. I have had to be sorry many times and face the very worst parts of myself. But then I was left with what I was - merely natural and only responsible for my own behaviour.
Now I am craving understanding and the passion that seems to explode from inside when you feel understood.
I think my sadness comes from going through this huge change, finally touching on working out who I am and why I do what I do… only to find I have made the journey alone. I thought love was just waiting for me to catch up but now it seems we were running a completely different race.
I am enjoying being who I am right now and it doesn’t seem to be going away. In love however, I am not being me. The relationship me is not allowed to get upset or feel hurt. But I am hurt. I have so much hurt bubbling underneath the surface that the more I push it down the more it drives itself out through any available crack at the worst possible time. I do not get upset over and over again - it is just the same things finding their way out despite my constant tiring effort to keep them down.
I think I am losing interest in that effort.
I am losing the passion for sure. To be understood is to be forgiven, to be understood is to be safe, to be understood is to be found innocent. I am so scared watching that light slowly dim inside me. That light was once the only thing I could see.