If I had to pick one word to describe the first half of this year, it would be unexpected.
Not long into it, my beautiful eldest daughter fell into a very scary place, for both her and all of us. It felt like watching the horizon—no matter how close we tried to get, she was always the same distance away. We held her as closely as possible, as she wrestled with monsters we couldn’t see or protect her from. Eventually her journey took her to the bottom of a ditch—literally—as the tiny car she was a passenger in crashed into a power pole, flipped and spun forty metres, landing completely hidden in a deep drain by the side of the road. The impact was so violent that the motor was thrown a further forty metres.
The Universe must have decided that it adored this lost child though, as they all walked away with barely a scratch. The rescue team said they had never seen anyone survive a crash like that. I cried when I saw the wreck. They didn’t hurt anyone else. It felt like our very own miracle.
Shaken, but still lost, the Universe was not done with her and conspired to have lockdown force an unsolicited rehab on her (and us). Without the influence of friends and distractions, I watched her flush with life. I heard her start to laugh. I saw her amazing creativity come out to play. The bees in her brain became gentle and not so loud. It felt like miracle number 2.
Then among the COVID-19 initiatives, we found free study she could enrol in. Miracle number 3.
I really have no idea where this will lead, but I feel like we’re being looked after lovingly somehow. I’m still scared. I still feel like I’m waiting to find out I’ve lost her. I still feel like the next phone call will tell me I didn’t do enough. But there’s nothing like a succession of miracles to reassure you that things are building up to something incredibly special.
Today was supposed to be hard because it’s 1 year since Arron took his own life. But all it’s been so far is unexpectedly fun. And I’ll take that as miracle number 4.
People made me laugh, people took me out for coffee and wine, and people helped quieten the self-doubt. Those are all things Arron used to do for me, so maybe he’s not so far away.